The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize