There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Your cock deserves a montage
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
