hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
