So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
