Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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