Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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