well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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