You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Where is the hickey?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
