So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
