I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
