: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So much rum. So many feels.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
