i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
