It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
