I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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