Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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