when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
