You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
