If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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