Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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