i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
