I wish I only lived at night.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
