maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
