So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
