Cold hands, warm shart.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
