i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
