my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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