no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
