I bet he comes in French.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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