It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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