just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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