my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize