its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
