I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
