I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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