I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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