I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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