were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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