i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
