Don't make out with my wife yet
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
