she smelled like a LAN party
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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