You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
