Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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