I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
