I smell stomach acid.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
