i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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