About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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