my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
