Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
