I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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