I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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