Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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