I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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