I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
