She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
