my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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