life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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