Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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