Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
