So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Found your dick twin last night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
