meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
