If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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