To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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