yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
